2

This is going to hurt you more than it hurts me, my friend.

That seems to be the core of this whole cancer treatment thing.

Gotta hop in the shower and hop on the bike.

Thanks all for being here with me in count down mode..  This is better than the last few days of elementary school before summer vacation.  (strange that it’s happening as everyone is headed back to school.. I feel out of synch!)

3 left.

Please count down with me.

I’ve had a hard time writing lately, because I feel like I’ve got little positive to say.  I’m whiney these days.  Sick of feeling sick.  Chemo was over LAST WEEK!  But I’m still just dragging ass.  I wake up each morning thinking “Today I will feel good again.  Like myself.  Faaaaast.”  And then it doesn’t happen.

The external burns from the radiation have gotten pretty irritating.  I won’t bother to describe it with any detail.

I need to take a shower now, hop on the bike, and go.  Three more treatments left, and then I’m hoping to pronounce this thing dead..     3, 2, 1, DEAD.  Like that.

Hi.

I apologize for radio silence.

I think I mentioned before how the effect of this stuff is cumulative.  Recovering from this last round of chemo is definitely taking some time.  Thursday was the last day, and my stomach is still not back to normal.

Some nice little moments, however:

Yesterday morning.  I woke up and was suddenly clear headed.  After ten days of chemo-brain, I felt sharp, quick, lucid.

This morning, I rode my bike to radiation.  First ride in over a week and a half.  Even those of you who ride bikes daily experience that child-like AWE when you first get on your bike in the morning..  It glides, it swoops..  magically you stay upright.  It’s heaven.  All I can say is that when you take some time off, that feeling is amplified.

That’s it for now.  More tomorrow.

It’s a sad and beautiful world.

Done!

With chemo, that is. No more until after surgery.  And that will be a much less rigorous schedule, with much less toxic drugs.

It was a brutal three days, but it’s over.  I went for early morning radiation today, and now I’m free until monday morning.  What a relief.  Next week I’ll have radiation every morning, but then I’m done entirely!  GREAT!

I’m feeling about as lousy as I’ve ever felt.  Puking up nothing but bile.  Haven’t kept anything down in several days.  Peristant headache.  If I move too fast my chest hurts.  Somehow though, I’m feeling very upbeat.

I WIN motherfucker!  Now I think I’ll go lay down.

Ok.. Let’s try again.

My strength came back as the weekend went on.  Yesterday I even felt energetic enough to get mixed up with the LAW!  Poor guy.  I should be grateful.  He had me laughing for the rest of the day.

Headed in shortly to try again on the chemo.  Crossing my fingers that my white blood cell count is back up high enough to get this over with.  I’ve got psychosematic stomach churning going on already.  “Yup, stick that thing right in there doc..  let it drip!”  It’s like asking for a martini with your lunch after waking up hugging the toilet bowl from a bender the night before.

I’m feeling very upbeat.  This is all over so soon.  However I get through it, vacation starts in less than two weeks.

When I started treatment, I had it in my head that during the radiation-only weeks, I’d be able to work.  That really hasn’t turned out to be the case.  I’ve found that the effect of this stuff is cumulative (duh).  While what you’re getting from day to day doesn’t increase, you feel more and more ragged as it goes on.  I’ll try to work next week and the week following, but once the treatment is REALLY done, and they’ve done the post treatment tests (I assume another petscan, another endoscopic ultrasound, a needle biopsy, etc), Hill and Putney and I are going to get out of dodge for a while.  Off to Nova-Scotia.  My eden.  I’ll rest there.  Take pictures.  I’ll come back a new man.  (watch the fuck out!)

Thank you all for your continuing support.  I can’t say how helpful it is.

This morning I wept.

I gave myself an injection in the stomach, something that’s supposed to encourage blood growth, and started to cry uncontrollably. Finally just broke (it only took 2 months).

I’m on a break from the chemo because my blood counts are so low.  I woke up feeling good yesterday so I got on my bike to ride to radiation.  The 3 mile ride nearly killed me.  Chest pain, exhaustion, lightheadedness, etc.  The ride home wasn’t any different. I spent the rest of the day sitting down.

This morning I walked down to the farmer’s market with Hill and Putney.  I made Hill late for work, I was moving so slow.

So this is Anemia?  A whole new kind of fun.

I know perfectly well that the feelings of uselessness, despair, are just temporary.  Somehow, knowing that doesn’t make it go away. I’m pretty sure that a few more blood cells and a bike ride would help.

Meanwhile, I’ve just got two weeks of treatment left.  Two more weeks before they pronounce this thing dead (we hope).  With some luck they’ll say, “you’re cancer free.  Go ride a real bike.”  I will comply.