Today I found Ez’s 40th birthday card, the last card I gave him. In it I admitted that I was having a hard time celebrating his birthday, that for me it felt more bitter than sweet. But that I had no trouble celebrating him or us, and wanted to do that…
Today Ez should be 42 and still I feel more bitter than sweet. I don’t want to memorialize him, I want him back. It has been a little more than a year and a half since he died, but my sadness, rage, and disorientation only grow. I become only more aware of how much I loved him, how much I’ve lost, how lost I feel. But when I found this card today, it brought me back, if just for a moment, and made me want to celebrate him. Here’s what I wrote, which still feels right: