42

Photo by Megan Ann Rucker, taken on December 18, 2011 at Ezra’s 38th birthday party
Photo by Megan Ann Rucker, taken on December 18, 2011 at Ezra’s 38th birthday party

Today I found Ez’s 40th birthday card, the last card I gave him.  In it I admitted that I was having a hard time celebrating his birthday, that for me it felt more bitter than sweet.  But that I had no trouble celebrating him or us, and wanted to do that…

Today Ez should be 42 and still I feel more bitter than sweet.  I don’t want to memorialize him, I want him back.  It has been a little more than a year and a half since he died, but my sadness, rage, and disorientation only grow.  I become only more aware of how much I loved him, how much I’ve lost, how lost I feel.  But when I found this card today, it brought me back, if just for a moment, and made me want to celebrate him.  Here’s what I wrote, which still feels right:

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