December 18th, 2015
Today I found Ez’s 40th birthday card, the last card I gave him. In it I admitted that I was having a hard time celebrating his birthday, that for me it felt more bitter than sweet. But that I had no trouble celebrating him or us, and wanted to do that…
Today Ez should be 42 and still I feel more bitter than sweet. I don’t want to memorialize him, I want him back. It has been a little more than a year and a half since he died, but my sadness, rage, and disorientation only grow. I become only more aware of how much I loved him, how much I’ve lost, how lost I feel. But when I found this card today, it brought me back, if just for a moment, and made me want to celebrate him. Here’s what I wrote, which still feels right:
Baby, these are some of the ways that I love you:
I love that you love me, unabashedly.
I love you for making me feel more safe and at home than I ever felt before I knew you.
I love how we’ve made a home together that makes others feel safe and loved.
I love your raw and determined spirit, how you jump and insist that the bridge will appear, or just build it yourself if you have to.
I love how you find beauty and pleasure in so many things. I’ll never see a plate, a glass, a chair, a photo, or just about anything in the same way. I’ll always think of how you’d see it, and make it more beautiful.
I love how you insist on sharing beauty and pleasure with others, and widely.
I love your constant pursuit of purpose, stimulation, and connection to the world. It’s not how I do it, but has inspired me to find my own way.
I love you for helping me find my way, even when it takes me in other directions than you.
Trying to come to terms with losing you, living without you, is simply an impossible, unbearable task – I am too full of you. I suppose I’ll have to find my way in this too, though, and that I’m in pretty good shape for it, shaped by your love.
I love you baby. Thank you for all of this and so much more. Happy Birthday.
Photo by Megan Ann Rucker, taken on December 18, 2011 at Ezra’s 38th birthday party.