slippery slope

Some news.  In no particular order.

I’ve had a few doc appointments this week.  Six months has come and gone, and I’m due for a scan.  It’ll be scheduled in the next few days.

“So how do you feel?”

“fine!”

“that’s great.  Any pain?”

“yes.”

“….”

“Sciatic pain persists.. I’ve upped the gabapentin dose.  And I have a broken rib.”

“you what?!”

“Broken rib.  I had it x-rayed the other day so that the bright spot that shows up in the petscan won’t trigger some sort of emergency response.”

“good thinking.  How’d you break your rib?”

 

 

Last spring when I built the hardass, the seated replacement for the assless, it proved to be a bit of an influence.  It encouraged reckless behavior.  I started looking for things to ride over.  Little patches of dirt in parks around the city, small sets of stairs..  etc.  Pretty soon I had found a quarter mile of single track in a park up in the bronx, and started riding the 8 miles there and back just to do laps.  “note to self..  knobby tires, lower air pressure, some gloves, and a helmet..  next time.  And a rear brake would be helpful”

Eventually I started venturing farther afield.  My friend Dale took me to Jungle Habitat in New Jersey, where we bumped into some guys wearing armor, who scratched their heads about my single speed, fully rigid, 26″ bike with one brake.

I went up to Vermont and took a ride with my brother, Zach, who is a very talented mountain biker, and with whom my relationship might be a little competitive..  (He’s the one in the photo standing on his tip toes..)

 

We had a gas!  My fitness was terrible, but I felt like I did pretty well.  Crashing through the woods on some pretty technical single track, trying to keep up with my very fast brother, mostly staying on my bike, and thinking a lot about how helpful a back brake would be.

A few days later, when I was able to walk again, he put me on his wife’s bike..  a double squishy 29er with gears and TWO brakes!!!  It was a revelation.

To shorten up a longer story..   My friend CB who works for Kona, presented me with an awesome bike sometime in september and I’ve been trying to break it ever since.  We sort of figured that if he was going to ride one of my bikes, it was only fair that I ride one of his!

I’ve been getting on metro north and heading up into westchester to ride at graham hills and blue mountain (special thanks to Gorgeous Georges and Sweet Mango Girl).  It may be saving my life.  It’s like having found religion.  It has renewed my interest in bicycles, and in building them.. even if I’m not building the sort of bikes that I’m riding!  (that could change.  Someone.  please.  Order a 1×11 hardtail 29er AM bike.)

Anyway.  That’s how I broke my rib.  No big deal.

“… I’ve also been feeling some of that spooky dull pain that makes me think I have cancer.”

“What!?”

“Dull rectal pain.. except I have no rectum..  Pre-sacral pain, I guess..  “

“Ok.  Let’s schedule a Scan..     Anything else to report.”

“I had one very intense bout of intestinal pain..  It’s happened 3 times in the last year and a half.  Gas pain I think.  But REALLY bad.  I saw my GI about it..  he wasn’t alarmed..”

“Ok..”

“Oh!  and without going into too much detail about how I know this *cough*..  When I ejaculate, nothing comes out… “

“Is that a change?”

“yup.  I DO have some sperm stored in the Empire State Building, but not much.  The reality is suddenly sinking in, in more than a vague way, that I may not have my own children..    I guess that’s ok, though.  Maybe that way they won’t be so white!!”

“. . .”

My attempt to make light of the situation didn’t convince either of us, I don’t think.

 “If you like, I can ask around and see if any of my urologist colleagues specialize in this sort of thing. “

“Please do..”

Yesterday’s appointment was with my new surgeon.  He’s never cut me, but if I need serious cutting he’ll be the one to do it.  A really nice guy.  I met with him, so that he could take a look and see whether or not he thought a plastic surgeon could give me a little more ass crack.

More soon.

Fast boy out!

 

11 Responses to “slippery slope”

  1. christo

    wow! that’s quite a post!

    the fastboy is loving berlin. it’s a great city to commute in. and if it is any consolation, having the bike here on this trip has maintained a certain level of sanity. xo.

  2. Valancy Jane

    I wouldn’t worry about it too much. When I cum, nothing comes out either.

  3. megan

    whoa wow yeah huh what the dang no kidding fuck yes well i’ll be amen xo OUT

  4. Trevor

    I feel like you’re teaching me to live.

  5. Ashley

    + 1 for Valancy – nothing to worry about there.

    Thanks for the update and for the special writerly flair. That was a well-told story:) there were details, cliffhangers – I’m totally hooked. I love how your “not great fitness” = bashing around enough to break a rib and eh…. not get scanned for a month. Totally. Me too. As always, I have all my things crossed over here. You sound like you’re in great hands – with both bikes and asses. Stellar people all around. Big love, Ezra.

  6. tyler

    Psyched to hear that you’re getting into Mountain biking. Reminds me of an old mountain bike t-shirt, ‘Want some excitement between your legs? Ride a mountain bike/fast boy.’ Next spring, you should absolutely check out Kingdom Trails in East Burke. If you go there, you might not come back to the city.

    I don’t know you, but I don’t think its a stretch to say that you’ll be a hell of a father, whether the kid is biologically yours or not. Ride bikes, have fun, stay awesome.

  7. Doug M.

    dude, sweet mountain bikes! ditto on the comment about finding religion; riding singletrack is the most cathartic thing I’ve ever done. l’chaim!

  8. Paula / Hamburg

    I think Tyler is right. Let your wife decide what to do about it, maybe give in vitro fertilisation a try, no ejaculation does not mean no semen! Hey, never give up and good luck for the results on Monday.

  9. Paula / Hamburg

    Sorry, I meant insemination, not IVF (I’m not an expert).

  10. Steph

    Best wishes on the scan results. I’m hoping your symptoms are just post radiation/ post surgical changes. Though that isn’t awesome, it’s better than the alternative. Jim’s tumor was starting to invade his seminal vesicles. So, he had a radical vasectomy along with the LAR. They said that if we needed more semen that it could be harvested from his testicles. Of course, there is the possibility that the radiation has messed up that factory too.

    Surgery. I just found out that Jim’s surgeon moved to your side of the country. He is Julio Garcia-Aguilar and is at MSKCC. He is a phenomenal surgeon and person. I was referred to him by a former patient who moved from San Diego to San Francisco so this doc would be in network and by a very good doctor friend of mine at Brown. He was most recently at City of Hope in LA(quite a drive for us, but worth it). I really can’t recommend him highly enough. Second opinions are always useful (especially with surgery), and I promise it wouldn’t be a waste of time.

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