When we were younger

 

 

Hill and Ez

Hillary Caldwell is the light of my life and the fire of my loins (whatever dazed, confused fire is left in them!) and it’s hardly inappropriate to misappropriate Nabokov in telling the story because, while she wasn’t 12, she WAS just 22 when I first met her!  She was a student of mine, but we both like to point out that she was also a colleague.  We both worked at the same dance studio.  I taught, and she worked in the theater.  She took my class regularly, though, and from the very first time she stood out to me (in a room of 30 or so), not because she was beautiful (someone pointed that out to me later*) and not because she was such a good dancer (her body was not the sort that took to my particular form of torture; “bareknuckle downtown dance” a fast paced, athletic, acrobatic way of moving with as much time spent on hands as on feet, which was my little revenge on all those dancers I’d embarrassed myself in front of in college with their elegant long flexible limbs and their obsession with standing on their tippy-toes!).  It was because she laughed at my jokes.

In a room of 30, she was the only on whose brain had the extra capacity to not only do the convoluted things I was asking them to do, but to actually listen at the same time (two boldly split infinitives.. to boldly split infinitives..).  Or maybe she was just the only one who thought I was funny.   Either way I was a little smitten (a little smut?).

I was a straight male dancer and on top of it, a teacher.  I was recently single, after being with someone for a very long time.  I was in a bit of a fish bowl.  Anything I did was going to be under scrutiny.  Whether it would be seen as an office romance, OR a teacher dating a student, there’s no way that it wasn’t going to be met with a certain degree of scandal.  So.  It never even crossed my mind as a possibility.  Honestly.

*I used to take photographs while I taught.  I remember scanning negatives one day and seeing a picture of Hill.  I have no recollection of who it was in the room with me, but when I said, “Gosh..   She’s sort of pretty.. ,” the response was something to the effect of, “No shit, Sherlock..”  Her mind..  her presence..  struck me immediately, in that first class she took with me.  But, that I found her attractive and that I wanted to be near her all the time, were things that sort of dawned on me..  slowly, over a period of 6 months or so.

She lived on City Island (Look it up on google maps.. it’ll blow your mind), in a tiny little shack.  She made barely enough money to get by and she had a two hour commute to and from work.  I had Sunday night dinners in those days..  Students would come and eat at my house, mostly international students who I felt would benefit from a sense of community like that.  Hill would come to those dinners and she tells me that it was the one time during the week that she got to eat meat, because she couldn’t afford it the rest of the time.

I’m going to leave parts of the story out, to avoid embarrassing myself too much (these are the parts of the story that Hill loves to tell), but skip forward a little and Hill had moved to Harlem.  Not so far from my house.  She would stop by for coffee in the morning before heading in to work.   We started having lunch together when we both had the time. (It was during this period that my mother met her one day.  She wrinkled her nose at me and shook her head..  “too young, Ezra!”  She’s been grateful ever since that in this particular instance I ignored her).  I had no game at all.  I had been with the same person for the last six years, and was lousy at flirting.  I remember, during one of those lunches, saying, “You know..  I’m actually quite a catch.  Someone ought to just snatch me up and marry me!”  and another time suggesting that there were probably a lot of rumors going around in the dance world about how maybe we were dating, and wouldn’t it be funny if we just called their bluff and DID!  I sucked at this.

But she fell for it.  One day, we shared an octopus salad.  We had a little time before we both had to be at work and we went back to my house and somehow ended up on my bed for a short siesta.  We kissed (on the lips!) and we have been together ever since (7 years).

Today is our 4th anniversary.   Hill was with me when I was diagnosed and she didn’t blink.  I was in treatment when I asked her to marry me and she didn’t even hesitate.  When I collapsed in the park on the way home from chemotherapy, puking up anything that hadn’t already emptied out into my shit bag, simply unable to move, Hill came and found me and practically carried me back to the doc’s.

Her name comes up all the time in these posts, but it’s rare that I actually talk ABOUT her.  From the comments that you all make it seems clear enough that you know how much I love her, but it doesn’t hurt, especially not on our anniversary, to be explicit about it.

I realize now, after my stay in the hospital (hill spent every night there with me, sleeping in a chair that smelled like bleach), that for the last month or so I’ve been dealing with a steadily increasing level of pain.  Ultimately it has taken an incredible increase in pain killers to get it under control.  Now that the pain IS under control a fog has lifted from me.  Strange to be on more narcotics and feel LESS foggy.  I’m actually feeling much better than I have for quite a while.  I realize, though, just how much energy it has been taking me, unconsciously, to deal with it.  It has taken total focus, like walking on a tight-rope.  My response to any distraction, I’m afraid, has been pretty irritable.  (“DO NOT fucking distract me, you have no idea how HARD it is to do what I am doing right now!!!”).  I think that Hill has gotten the brunt of it.  I’m ashamed to think of it.  As with all things, she has remained ever tolerant and understanding.  She takes it all in stride.  To me, my wife is like the sunshine and I love her more than I can describe.  I thought you all should know.

 

 

107 Responses to “When we were younger”

  1. phaty

    Willkommen und Abschied

    Es schlug mein Herz, geschwind zu Pferde!
    Es war getan fast eh gedacht.
    Der Abend wiegte schon die Erde,
    Und an den Bergen hing die Nacht;
    Schon stand im Nebelkleid die Eiche,
    Ein aufgetürmter Riese, da,
    Wo Finsternis aus dem Gesträuche
    Mit hundert schwarzen Augen sah.

    Der Mond von einem Wolkenhügel
    Sah kläglich aus dem Duft hervor,
    Die Winde schwangen leise Flügel,
    Umsausten schauerlich mein Ohr;
    Die Nacht schuf tausend Ungeheuer,
    Doch frisch und fröhlich war mein Mut:
    In meinen Adern welches Feuer!
    In meinem Herzen welche Glut!

    Dich sah ich, und die milde Freude
    Floss von dem süßen Blick auf mich;
    Ganz war mein Herz an deiner Seite
    Und jeder Atemzug für dich.
    Ein rosenfarbnes Frühlingswetter
    Umgab das liebliche Gesicht,
    Und Zärtlichkeit für mich – ihr Götter!
    Ich hofft’ es, ich verdient’ es nicht!

    Doch ach, schon mit der Morgensonne
    Verengt der Abschied mir das Herz:
    In deinen Küssen welche Wonne!
    In deinem Auge welcher Schmerz!
    Ich ging, du standst und sahst zur Erden
    Und sahst mir nach mit nassem Blick:
    Und doch, welch Glück, geliebt zu werden!
    Und lieben, Götter, welch ein Glück!

    J. W. von Goethe

    http://www.poetryintranslation.com/PITBR/German/Goethepoems.htm#_Toc74652089

  2. Jen

    Beautiful! The love you have for her has always been so obvious in the pictures you take of her (and you can just see in her eyes the love she has for you) but it is always awesome to flat out just put it out there in words.

  3. Steve

    Happy Anniversary!

    I don’t lose my composure very often. I did after reading that beautiful soliloquy. I am still struggling to regain it.

  4. missy

    Big fan of hers, here. Bless you both for finding each other (I can’t believe it was that many years ago!!)

  5. Kristan

    Such beautiful words Ezra.
    Your romance sounds like something from a novella.
    You are a beautiful couple.
    I have seen many posts which include pictures of your home and it looks so warm and cosy and comfortable, the source of that loving vibe instilled within those pictures and videos i have enjoyed is so much clearer now.
    To be so inviting and have that sense of family and community. It’s feels as if you have invited us all into your kitchen over the last few years.
    We have had such brief words over social media over time Ezra but what you have shared makes me believe I know you as a friend and I feel comfortable in extending my love to you and Hill.
    I think about you often as I would a friend. Never feel alone.
    Love,
    K

  6. Shelagh Delves-Broughton

    A beautiful post about how much you love her, although its been evident in every post you have ever put up that you did, with just a mere mention of her name.

    I have been in her shoes and very likely know how she feels and I don’t think for one minute you need to feel any guilt that she might have taken the brunt of your moods at any point in time. She knows that you love her and she knows you are just frustrated. Rightly so.
    Dont focus on those moments. She may snap back at you once in a while but she knows, and its likely like water off of a ducks back. In other words, I doubt she’s hurt because she does know you love her.
    But at such times we might snap back and if so, its only because we are tired, as are you but still grateful for every minute you are alive and together.

    At some point in the future, have you ever considered Hill putting all of your posts over these years into a book?
    Many of us have been fortunate to read along with you for the past 3-4 years but there are so many more your words could reach…

    Its a beautiful photo of the two of you. You have both been very fortunate to have found one another. A great tragedy you will not be able to spend forever together but it appears that you two have had a love that many never find……..

    Put everything aside that is not important and spend all your time together…………that what is important now……..its wonderful to read about the two of you! A great love story!

  7. Shelagh Delves-Broughton

    I meant to add that Hill is such a natural beauty——–such sensual eyes……..there is a great story about you behind those eyes of hers! :-)

  8. Michael Cleveland

    Congrats you two… Occasionally, you hear/read a great “how we met” story. Well, you’ve hit the nail on the head with this one. Have a great anniversary and thanks for telling us your story.

  9. Juniper Jones

    Knew it was your anniversary…hoping you would write…a true, true love story!
    Happy to hear you’re ahead of the pain.
    Much love

  10. Holly

    I don’t think I’ve ever felt such strong affection for people I’ve never met in the flesh as I do for you two (and Putney, but then I dig dogs). You are both such lovely people. Happy anniversary– may it be the best one yet.

  11. ben

    Class Act. Enjoy her company. Happy Anniversary.

  12. Daniel

    I’ve thought about her many times throughout this, and in these recent photos she looks so strong and full of courage and calm. It’s been a little unbelievable. And inspiring.

  13. megan

    she is sunshine. that is a fact. i adore her. your story together is so dear. and raw. happy anniversary. you both make me smile so big.

  14. Laurie

    I second what Holly said. Big lovey wishes to you both. How can it be 4 years already??

  15. Michele

    Thank you so much for sharing with us through your blog. I just recently discovered it through friends and am blown away by the honesty and beauty. You are both in my thoughts.

  16. Paul (Stosh_26)

    Happy Anniversary. And yes, what Holly said speaks for me too (including the dog part).

  17. cheryl

    happy anniversary Hill and Ez. enjoy it and snuggle through this rainy day. (with Putney, of course)

  18. Shelagh Delves-Broughton

    I think that the two of you may appreciate this very beautiful song by a Toronto singer

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=87RQgAwW8TE#!

    IF I COULD BE WITH YOU

    “how to say I love you, without saying I love you”

  19. sue borst

    Yes Holly has it exactly right. Hard to believe I can feel so much for people I’ve never met. I read most of your posts in one sitting after they came to my attention and you are both amazing. I’m glad you’ve pushed back the pain for now.

    I look forward to your posts with a combination of joy and fear.

    Keep on keeping on.

  20. Catherine

    Happy Anniversary to you both. I’m pleased you’ve got the pain more under control now. It must be such a relief to you both.

  21. Claire

    Beautiful…just beautiful! Cx

  22. chiara

    God bless your love, guys, let me borrow our Dante’s words to wish you both the best anniversary ever: “l’amor che move il sole e l’altre stelle”. Vi voglio bene.

  23. Eunice

    Happy Anniversary, you two cuties. And I love the story :)

  24. Bill

    Wonderful story of how you two got here, Ezra. Hillary is clearly a saint and you deserve that. Happy Anniversary!

  25. Dean

    It shows. How much you love her. I’ve been reading your words and looking at your images for a long time – more than five years I guess – and it shines. I hope Hillary doesn’t doubt your love for her, because it is glaringly obvious to me. :)

    (You two remind me of my wife and I, although we’re older and much less dancey.)

    My skill with words has started to fade, but I wanted to tell you how much I admire the grace and courage that you have shown through this.

  26. Luisa

    Aw, you crazy kids ;~) Happy Anniversary!! Beautiful post — so glad the two of you are together [fans away happy tears].

  27. Joanna.

    Happy Aniversary.
    This is the most beautiful dedication to someone
    I love you and Hill’s story and Im so glad to know it (And I want to know the embarrassing parts Hill likes to tell too:) ).

    : ) <3 ~Joanna

  28. Lois

    It absolutely shows 100% how much you love her. You can see it in your eyes, and the same in hers.

  29. lee

    i feel my luck parallels yours in being with the love of my life. how could we be so lucky as to have these wonderful and beautiful and spirited women in our lives? makes me take one of those deep and grateful breaths of fresh air…. thank you for this absolutely beautiful piece of writing and showing of true love.

    twu wuv – yeah – you got that.

  30. Kathleen

    I know her. I love her. You are one incredibly fortunate fellow to have her love. Love endures all things, hopes all things, love never fails.

  31. Alicia

    Happy anniversary. Thank you for sharing with us yet another intimate treasure. Your wife is as lucky to have found you as you are to have found her. You have held more love and beauty in your hands, in your life up to now, than most people will hold for a lifetime.

    I’m also glad that you are feeling better and more yourself.

  32. mike ( british columbia)

    I stumbled across the vimeo video just by chance and I’ve spend the last little while reading through all of your posts , I am completely and utterly humbled by both yours and Hillary’s strength . Happy anniversary to both of you and if there is a ultimate power in the universe my wish for both of you is that you have many many more ! .

  33. Liz

    LOVE! love & hugs being sent to you both right now…and everyday. beautiful post. that’s all i have to say.

  34. alyssa

    oh ezra, who i don’t really know but feel like i know… if, in my lifetime, i could find someone to speak about me the way you speak about hil. even before this post. happy anniversary to both of you.

  35. Ellen

    Happy Anniversary! What a wonderful tale and testimony. I’m sure you both are hurting like hell in a lot if ways. So you absolutely shouldn’t hurt physically. Lots of love-

  36. Igor

    Oh Ezra, how amazing human beeing you are! Hugs.

  37. piltraphilla

    Alguien tan fantástico como tú solo podía estar con una gran mujer como Hill, muchos abrazos para los tres… no me olvido de Putney!!

    Someone as fantastic as you are only could be with a great woman as Hill, hugs for all three, I don’t forget Putney!!

    :)

  38. Kendall

    happy anniversary guys!

  39. Carla

    She’s beautiful! Let her write a post (please, if she hasn’t already) :)

  40. AJ

    Oh Ezra, we know! Even if you hadn’t spelled it out in this entry, we know. It has come pouring out of you since you’ve begun writing here. Her grace and lovliness is so very obvious.

  41. Tim

    Great post! Happy anniversary.
    Good to hear you are feeling better.

  42. Julia

    simply. beautiful. love.

  43. Kyle

    Cheers to you and Hill from Peter and me!

  44. Jeannie

    Beautiful.
    Your story reminded me how my husband slept in a horribly uncomfortable chair/fold-out bed for 2 weeks, at my side as I recovered from a total colectomy at MD Anderson 2 years ago. The nurses thought we must be newlyweds due to his attentiveness. They were shocked to learn we had been married a decade. Thank you for spurring this memory.

  45. Judith

    crying happy tears. thanks for sharing your love and your story.

  46. Jana Velo

    Uh, somethings up. Eyes won’t stop leaking.

    Sending love to both of you on your anniversary.

  47. Biki

    Happy Anniversary, Ez and Hillary. I am so relieved to hear you’ve gotten a handle on the pain. I’m always, always thinking of you.

  48. Eric

    ¡Felicidades!

  49. Jaye Lucia

    YES! I already knew that was what she was like! Funny how some things don’t even need to be said. But I am glad you did. She is lucky lady.

  50. DeAnne

    Happy Anniversary!

    ~de

  51. CJ

    OK, so now I need to go out and rustle up an octopus salad to mark the occasion. Have a tentacled pain free anniversary beautiful people…

  52. jrobtp

    you 2. you 2. . .!
    much love and all from me here.

  53. joni

    The site was crashing again earlier today. I love that:)

    We were just talking about y’all at dinner.

    The general consensus was “I can’t believe he can post these gorgeous photos – so unselfconscious, so intimate – and not have people just… Ruin It. This is the internet for crying out loud. How is that possible?”

    It really is so impressive that you can capture moments so starkly intimate but so utterly non-exploitative that you somehow disarm the ugliness in people. (That particular brand of magic is what makes it art.) Some of that is your talent as a photographer, but we decided most of that is just Hill. The fullness of her humanity comes thru in every shot. Hope y’all had an amazing day. Thanks so much for the update.

  54. Lutin

    Way to go Bro. Just Beautiful. I don’t think I can express in words the joy that flooded me when I heard that you and Hill were together. Tricking her into being one of my experimental interns at the new DNA was one of the best things I ever did at that job. Her down and dirty, no nonsense, work ethic was only paralleled by her intelligence. The dance theater tech world lost a good one when she moved on as did the dance world when you moved on. The thought of you to together does my heart good. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!! Y’ALL DONE GOOoooooood!!!

    Peace

    LT

  55. andrea

    Love. Do you know another way to fuck the death?
    Amore. Conosci un altro modo per fregare la morte? Cit. Ligabue

  56. Carla

    Another irritating prayer to God from Carla :)

    Heavenly Father,

    As I lay in bed tonight I thought about all the (material) blessings you have given me…I am grateful, but they do not truly bring me true happiness.

    What brings me the most happiness is speaking with You (You’re the best friend I have and a GREAT listener), and I am filled with joy when you answer my prayers.

    Seeing my prayers answered is an AWESOME experience!!!!!

    I met a new friend today: Hill. She’s Ezra’s wife (i.e. help-mate) :) I believe that it is Ezra and Hill’s destiny to be together, which is obvious….nowhere in the bible does it say “it was a coincidence that blah, blah, blah”….everything has a purpose (no coincidences) including Ezra and Hill’s relationship.

    I am not perfect, Heavenly Father, but I feel privileged to even be able to approach you with bold prayers as the one I am asking You now. I pray that You will extend Ezra’s life…and not just for a 3 or 4 months…that would not be a bold prayer…I ask that You bless Ezra (and Hill) with at least another 20 years of pain-free, fuzzy-warm, worry-free, healthy years of life.

    The doctors are human, so they have many limitations when it comes to healing the human body….but You, Heavenly Father, are perfect and merciful and magnificent….You can do ALL things….Nothing is impossible for You!

    You placed Ezra in the womb of his mother and watched him grow, even into the man he is now…

    And you did not create him to live a life of pain and sorrow and sadness…You created him to be triumphant and to live a long life. This is You will for all of Your creations.

    Heavenly Father, I pray that You will go where human doctors cannot. Send Your perfect Spirit into Ezra’s marrow and begin the healing process even as I am typing. Destroy every cell in Ezra’s body that is not serving the purpose that You created for the human body.

    I pray that a day will arrive when the doctors will perform tests and be amazed at how Ezra’s body is “miraculously” healing despite what the diagnosis is. And I (and Ezra) are already aware that the doctors will try to take credit for healing.

    But I will know that ALL the glory goes to You, Heavenly Father. Only You can do the impossible. In Jesus’s name I pray. Amen.

  57. Mette

    Beautiful picture and beautiful post. Happy anniversary!

  58. Susan Atkinson

    So happy you two were able to connect in such a wonderful way. Can I just say, I’m a bit jealous? Okay, more than a bit?

  59. Sarah

    I found you first on Flickr and from the first photograph I saw of Hill it was clear you loved her. Just patently obvious, Ezra. For every Jill there is a Jack and you are Hillary’s Jack. It may sound like overblown sentimentality to say but I’ll say it anyway: it has been such an honor to watch you two through your words and pictures and I’m so happy that you two not only found one another but held on. Happy anniversary, Ezra & Hillary.

  60. amilcar Rivera

    Hello Ezra happy aniversar!!!! yes, you have a beutyful wife, thank for sherring whit us how is.Hill in you life,i hope everythin will be fine whit you,i send muchos abrazos eres un exelente amigo te recuerdo cada momento,espero verte un dia personal mente.take care you my friand!t

  61. Eleanor Elbers

    Dear Ezra and Hill too. Noah from the Breadworks , before from Putney, sent us your blog a while back. Your writing, your Powerful Path touched me and Anton to the core. We are his parents.
    The Powerful path is what life at it’s very best can be about.You cut through everything extra-
    You walk a talk that is right along the razor’s edge.
    “Who is this amazing person, Ezra?” I often think. and I think about your mother and Hill , who after yesterday’s post is fully lit by your loving.
    Before I knew any of your story, it was clear you are a person who is very good at whatever you set your intention to.
    As your story unfolded , and up to the latest post, that is so.
    Also you seem a restless fierce soul , seeking the central point and real purpose of any project. ( but project is too mild a word), which is right now Life well lived and teaching cancer to cry. and you fully succeed at both .

    You have accomplished much in extraordinary ways all made with your own hands and mind and heart and sharing with friends and strangers.
    And we all get to feel and sense these important moments, these important truths.

    Blessings to you Ezra Caldwell, for Courage and Creation , for showing us these hard lessons in the Art of Living,
    For NEVER QUITTING,
    For Grace in the face of impossible odds and random relentless agonies. Blessings on you for showing us a Powerful Path with Joy and Rage, Humor( I have laughed while weeping reading these posts,)and Pure beauty
    Making More Light than the Sun
    Love round you and all this Work you have done. May it be Healing on your way and for Hill,and all your people,

    Eleanor

  62. Bob Bonn

    Oh, Ezra–you and Hillary had me at hello. One of the great love stories of all time. God Bless.

  63. Chelseagirl

    Dear Ezra and Hillary,
    I don’t know what to say or what to wish you that won’t sound like platitudes.Just know that since I first saw your photos and stories all those years ago you two have continued to impress and inspire me with your beauty and strength. You’re two great human beings and as Sarah says above, it’s an honour to have these glimpses of you through pictures and words.
    Stephanie

  64. Andrea

    I remember seeing this picture on Flickr and thinking you both look like you’ve just discovered the incredible secret meaning of life…which it seems you may have done. Happy anniversary, Caldwells.

  65. Charles Boyd

    Really nice Ezra; it was obvious from your writings and your photographs that you both found in each other someone worth suffering for. The openness of your work is wonderful and for both of you to be willing to share your relationship has never failed to astonish me. I think the ability to make art and just not photos or writings is amazing enough, but the ability to freely share your life and then to successfully touch so many people with your work takes it all to a much higher level. My wife and I have been following your work for many years now and you have touched our lives too. We wish you a happy anniversary! You will always remain in our thoughts and hearts.

  66. Elaine

    This was so beautiful. Thank you for sharing. We need mroe people like you to express such things.

  67. tyler

    Happy Anniversary. Your deep commitment to each other is inspiring.

  68. Carole

    I’ve never met you but Ali, my sister in law/sister, introduced me to your blog. Happy anniversary to you both, such love. You deserve all it offers you both. Laughter. Understanding. Honesty. Comfort. Peace. My best to you and Hill!

  69. Amy

    thank you for continuing to write. your love is beautiful. thank you for sharing. what a wonderful lady.

  70. jrobtp

    all’s i can say is love to you both.
    wow i wish this was something else than what it is.
    yall’s grace and fortitude and all in all this shit?
    yeah.

  71. Emmyoz

    This is –and you are–just the best.

  72. Lori T.

    Ezra,

    About a week ago, I found out about your blog through a friend on Facebook. Last Monday night I got on your blog and read your June 3rd entry. I felt so sad for you. Part of me wanted to get off my computer and leave it at that… I didn’t KNOW you. But a bigger part of me really wanted the whole story – not just 6/3/13. So I scrolled down and started with the first entry in August, 2008. Over the past 5 days, I’ve read every single post – some of them more than once. I’ve stared at every single picture and I’ve watched all the videos. (That little Gunnar is BAD ASS!!). I’ve CRIED. I’ve told your story to my family and friends. I can’t stop thinking about you, Hillary and even Putney. I find myself thinking of all the people who have been following your blog for years…waiting for those updates must have been hard. I’ve been checking back several times a day the past few days just to see another post. The picture of you and Hillary is the most beautiful yet. I don’t know you, but you have touched me so!! You are beautiful, brave, INSPIRING… Thank you for sharing your story -YOUR LIFE- with all of us. We are ALL better because of you. You, Hillary and cutie-pie Putney will be in my thoughts for many years to come. Sending love from the mountains of Colorado. xx

  73. Meghan Senkel

    Happy Anniversary! It can be rare to find “the one” and you both are so lucky to have each other. I hope you have a wonderful, loving day. :)

    And I never did need words to know how much you loved Hill…the photos have always spoken for you with perfect understanding and clarity.

  74. Alvin

    Happy anniversary to you both! Thanks for sharing. I think you’ve found what we’re all looking for, someone to remind you of what’s important in life, someone to care for and be cared for by, someone who laughs at your jokes. Thank you, as always, for sharing your stories with us.

  75. kay

    thank you for writing this. oh how i love it. happy anniversary.

    (i will save this post link forever. this is the sort of thing i need to read. thank you and bless you both)

  76. Molly

    I have a very fond memory of you two! I was in town for work and was thrilled it overlapped with one of your infamous Sunday dinners. Hil was there and it was the first time I had met her. (I think you two were fairly new to each other at that point also.). We started all over the kitchen eating, laughing, drinking, it was heavenly. As the night progressed the two of you got closer and closer geographically and physically. I remember locking eyes with another guest and giving the universal “raised eyebrow-look at those two” facial expression. Love was indeed in the air maybe even before you two knew it- and I don’t mean the sweet cuddling I was giving Putney on the floor.

  77. eddy

    every letter of this post is a thing of beauty.

  78. Erik

    We don’t know that much about her, but also know everything that matters. Happy Anniversary!

  79. Colin

    The way you photograph you wife says it all. You’re a talented photographer in general, and she is a lovely lady, but you capture your love for your wife in every photograph I have seen you make of her. I think that plays a big part in the extent to which the readers of this blog understand how wonderful she is and how much you both love one another.

  80. Brent

    This may seem a strange thing to say given all you have been through and continue to go through, but to have what you have with Hill, you are one very lucky guy. I’ve never met either of you, but I love you both. Happy anniversary!

  81. Bud

    Words fail at times like these. A meager attempt: while hope dies last, love never dies. Hillary and Putney will hold you, Ezra, in ther hearts for eternity.

  82. lauren

    she is quite amazing.. and she is quite beautiful.. but then again, she’s just as lucky to call you husband as you are to call her wife. i love you both

  83. Tressa Goughenour

    Congratulations to you both on your 4th wedding anniversary. I believe Hillary is all you say, Ezra, and she’s also strong. Let her love you until and beyond your last breath.

  84. Jolene

    You two hang on tight…we are all standing with you. Fight on as hard as you can.

  85. Burnt Umber

    I love you both. I don’t know why. I have never met either one of you, but their is a simplicity and beauty in your lives which is infections to those you touch.

  86. kumi

    Congratulation for the anniversary! It may sounds strange but I think both of you are so lucky and deserve it!

  87. Olaf

    Heartbreaking :’-(

  88. Green Monkey

    all that matters is love…
    how wonderful to witness it, in words, in pictures, in pain and in joy.

    HAPPY anniversary ~

  89. Antony Bright

    Happy Anniversary to you and Hillary.

    This is the second time I have had tears in my eyes in the last two posts.

  90. Kamma

    know that you are loved by many all over the world.
    peace to you.
    big love

  91. katherine

    love you both

  92. Laura Clutterbuck

    “Out to the undiscovered ends,
    There’s nothing worth the wear of winning,
    But laughter and the love of friends.”

    With lots and lots of love from the entire Clutterbuck clan.xxx

  93. leif

    we know you do, ezra. it’s hard to call you lucky, but you were with her. she is a remarkable woman.

  94. Liz Stephen

    Ezra,

    I have never met you or Hillary, but I know your brother Zach, as well as Brayton and Emily Osgood. I just want to pass on to you how meaningful and incredible your blogs have been. I only started reading them the last few months, but I am going to start from the beginning and read all of them. You are touching many many people’s lives with your words, and have jerked many a tear from my eyes, especially with this last post. I get the feeling you have effected many more people in your life that is being cut way too short, than many do in their whole, full long lives. Thank you for taking the time to share this story with us all/ It is not every day you read such well thought out, loving, real and true words and yours are uniquely laid out on this paper as exactly that. Real. I am sending you strength for the bad days, extra love for the good days, and a smile for the last days.
    Liz

  95. Leticia

    I love you both.

  96. Stacey

    I just covered my face with my hands and cried. I don’t know what words to type out here, other than I would love to give you both a big hug. <3

    You have so many gifts, thank you for sharing them.

  97. Randy

    Ezra, We don’t know each other, but I’ve been following you online for quite a while, originally from Flickr I think, because I love your bikes. I totally agree with you about what Flickr was vs what it has become. I have been following your story here to this point and I take great inspiration from how you live and love the people around you. I looked at many of the images on your new photo site including those of your wife and shared them with my fiance. They’re such a beautiful portrait of intimacy. This post is the perfect compliment. You’re a great artist and I can only imagine what a wonderful spirited person you are too. Just wanted to let you know a little about the strangers you have touched too. R

  98. Joanna.

    I saw this and thought it describes you guys perfectly from what I sense from your photos and blog etc

    “This morning with her, having coffee.” – Johnny Cash, when asked for his definition of paradise

  99. Green Monkey

    at second glance…

    you’re eyes are the same.

    that says so much, no? is it just me who see’s the soul through eyes.

  100. Green Monkey

    (fuck, I blame the wine and the cancer)

    “your” not “you’re”

  101. judson

    i love and miss both of you. and i miss the love you both share.

  102. Simon Hillier

    I’ve not cried in a while but that made me cry.

    Why a beautiful story, you express yourself and the love for your wife in way that we all should.

    A great musician and poet one said “All you need is love”, I think he was spot on.

  103. Simon Hillier

    I’ve not cried in a while but that made me cry.

    What a beautiful story. You express yourself and the love for your wife in way that we all should.

    A great musician and poet one said “All you need is love”, I think he was spot on.

  104. Andi Oyler

    I really enjoyed reading about the beginning of your relationship and your love is inspiring! think of you both every day! All the love I can give, And

  105. Jennifer Durham

    Beautiful, Happy Anniversary…..as I wipe tears from my eyes at 8am

  106. Laya

    Beautiful. . .

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