I think that the reality of my situation has begun to really sink in, and it’s leaving me feeling pretty bleak.
I shit in a bag now, and on balance I’d say I’m getting sick of it more than I’m getting used to it. It’s an added appendage in an awkward spot and the knowledge that I’ll have it for the rest of my life is depressing.
I’m in the countdown to 6 bloody months of chemotherapy. I’ve been through it before and it was awful. It’s hard to know how to put lipstick on that particular pig. Especially hard when the chemo is targeting cells that we’re not even sure exist, and where its success will be impossible to measure.
I’m still experiencing a good deal of discomfort from the surgery. There is progress, but it is incredibly slow. It makes it very hard to get a good night of sleep.
I am trying to take care of myself.. to relax and give my body a chance to heal (to get healthy enough for the chemo!), but am having to spend an inordinate amount of time on the phone with the insurance company trying to make the case, with little success, that a $1700 reimbursement for a $25K surgery is inadequate. I’ll detail the absurdity of that situation in a separate post.
My family is dealing with the situation admirably, but it’s quite clear that everyone is feeling the weight, and at a time of year when some measure of cheer is necessary to combat quickly shortening days, no one seems to be able to muster it.
I’m worn out.
Being proactive, finding solutions, addressing problems.. It all takes energy, and over the last handful of days I simply haven’t had it.
I can write just as long a list of the the things that I have to be grateful for.. of the reasons that my situation ain’t so bad. The fact that we have laundry in our house! (over the last few weeks, doing the laundry at a laundromat would have been a full time job at the rate I was soaking through maxi pads!). The fact that some school mates and professors of Hill’s put enough money on a gift card to our supermarket that we won’t have to pay for groceries until thanksgiving! But as they say, every silver lining has a cloud. Lately I’ve been aware of the clouds. Fuck.
The Assless bike made it’s way back a few days ago from a gallery down in Virginia. With a little help from Ed, I got it all taken apart and packed up to go to the painter for a face lift. I have trouble sitting on a foam donut at the moment.. a bike seat isn’t even a question. So it’s back to the assless for the time being. When I built it, I was so eager to get on and ride the thing, that I just rattle canned it and went. This time, I’ve got a little more time on my hands.. I think it’ll be a couple of weeks still before I’ve got the flexibility/range of motion in the whiffs to be able to ride the thing. So. Look out for a fancy new paint job on the assless. Hot dog!