All done but the crying.

The trend of worsening rounds has held true right up to the last.  This is the first time since monday that I’ve felt the energy to write.  The pain has been the worst so far.  The last couple of nights have been pretty impossible.  Yesterday I got out of bed to make dinner.  That was it.  The erbitux, has obvisouly been doing ITS work as well.  But I will heal fast.  Tomorrow I’ll get my final off week top up of garbage, and this whole bloody thing will be officially finished.  I’m feeling like an outclassed boxer whose only goal was to make it to the end of the fight.  And here we are.  Beaten and bloodied.  Still standing, though (actually laying down a LOT, but you get my meaning).

Thomas’ last burgundy stain sessions show at LPR was GREAT.  Maybe I posted the rehearsal video that I made?  There are videos up now of the performances too!  A good one of Glen singing a Stevie Wonder song.  Another of Sara Quin singing Prince.  Fun show.

I’m getting very excited about feeling well enough to get into new shop building mode.  Doc says, “so.. for the next month at least, I want you to take it absolutely easy..  nothing strenuous.”   “Right doc..  I understand..” I say, thinking about the various pieces of 300lb+ bits of equipment that will be moving in over the next month.  Hmm..  Oh well.  I’ve said it before, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt me.

I want to thank you all, once again, for following along.  It makes all the difference in the world.  From my experience last time, I know that this next year will be no picnic.  I will be making every effort, however, this time to keep on writing.  Whether it ends up being about food, or tools and jigs I’m making in the shop, I think it will be helpful for me to stay connected to you all in some way.  Uncertainty, listlessness, fear, depression, are par for the course apparently, for people who go through this shit.  Unfortunately, they are all much harder to write about than the straight up physical details of surgeries and treatments.  Now we step into the world of intangibles!

Onward!

26 Responses to “All done but the crying.”

  1. Abigail

    Again, thank you so very much for sharing your journey with us. I have been inspired and awed. And yes, this part will be difficult too. There is a strange vulnerability and depression in knowing that you are no longer actively fighting, even if the foe is conquered.
    But, in I know you’ll face it with the courage and grace you’ve shared with us this past year. I don’t know you, you have no clue who I am, but I’d still like to say:

    Well done, sir.

  2. Silvino

    Glad to read about your almost won battle my friend. Thanks for share your struggles, I’ve been thinking about your efforts and I find your way to share everything from the bad to the good is art, is absolutely brave off course but the way how you let us to find our inner strength through how you show us your courage and the love of the people around you is a form of art.

    The biggest hug my friend, waiting to read more from you.

  3. makmadoosel

    I’m a long time reader of your blog and a longer time admirer of your bicycles. Clearly you don’t know me from adam, but I really admire what you’ve created here and I am a huge fan. If I were in NYC, I’d love to help you move your shop. I am sure it wouldn’t be hard to find some local fans to jockey some heavy shit. Best of luck and I can’t wait to see what comes next!

  4. Tyler

    Surviving this was/is/and will continue to be a major accomplishment. For me, following your blog is a daily meditation on a life lived well. You have survived and even thrived amidst fairly brutal circumstances. That you do so with humor, dignity and grace is remarkable. You build bicycles and cook feasts while sick. This is a constant source of inspiration and awe. Thank you for sharing. Best wishes for continued improving health, happiness and peace.

  5. Tina

    There is so much beauty in strength.

  6. todd

    Love you Ez. All my prayers and all my hope

  7. Forth (aka velorutionary)

    You are one of the people in this world who make me realise that I have it easy and that I really need to get off my arse and *live* more. Hugs for the last bit of crap you have to endure and best wishes for fast healing and happy prosperous new workshoppy goodness. I look forward to more bikes and food and Putney and Nova Scotia and all the other glorious shit you get up to.

  8. Doug

    good on ya Ez. may it be the LAST last treatment you have to endure. and endure you did, with grace and aplomb. thank you for giving us a window into your beautiful, at times heart-wrenching life.

    and now, as you said, onward!

  9. Daniel

    Inspiring as always, Ezra. I can’t wait to travel with you–albeit virtually–through this next chapter.

  10. erica

    only wishing you the best this year ezra! You are such an inspiration and are so amazing and strong! thanks for sharing your journey with us!

  11. Valancy Jane

    Done!!

  12. scoutj

    Wanted you to know that even though I haven’t commented in forever, I’m still here following your journey. You are in my thoughts.
    xo

  13. MG

    Congratulations on getting through. I’m another reader who’s been following along without commenting, amazed at all that you do. Thank you for sharing your story with us–here’s some hometown hope from nyc.

  14. Andrew

    Agreed again with all above. Last round is down and you’re not – that’s the most important thing. Boilermakers all around! Cheers brother.

  15. Becca

    I look forward to the next chapter too. Your honest writing has been an honour to read. Thank you for that. Go forth and conquer!
    Your friend whom you’ve never met,
    Becca from Vancouver Island.

  16. Laurie

    I can’t wait to read all your future boring, pointless posts… for many, many years. :)

  17. holly

    According to my clock, you are done with the last round of erbitux and, hopefully, recovering your strength. I can’t wait to hear what you’ve got up your sleeve next. Peace, Ezra. You deserve it.

  18. cam

    Adrian!!! Adrian!!!!

  19. delia

    high fi-eeeve!

  20. Brandon Wilson

    Huge congrats E. Been thinking of you a lot the past week. Love from the west.

  21. Alicia

    I’m happy you’re finished with the round. I’m actually happy, truly for you. All my best for a fast recovery and many warm regards to Hill.

    Stay in the fight, it’s victory time.

  22. Christina

    onward and upward. :)
    xo

  23. Jana

    So, you’ve finally decided to cut back on the poison, eh? Nice work- that stuff is no good!

    It’s been incredible to see how you’ve navigated all of the difficult times, Ezra, and amazing to see how you’ve handled things with so much grace! May you never have to deal with this #%$^%& again!

  24. Attilla the Mum

    As my mom finishes her chemo/radiation the same time that you finish your treatments, I say HOORAY! I’m excited to see what life holds in store for you, ’cause God ain’t done with you yet (a little Southernism I heard alot of during my own cancer treatments). A fine club we belong to…we are SURVIVORS.

  25. janice

    Onward! We’ll be here listening…and still rooting! I too, was torn about Grete :(

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