It’s been hard this last week to know exactly what to say. Thank you all so much for your continued comments and emails. I hope I didn’t sound too morose in the last post. Many of you said things like “don’t give up” and “keep fighting.” I didn’t mean to give any of you the impression that I had any other plan!
Tomorrow I start chemo again.
In the last week I’ve had an incredible resurgence of pain from the surgery. It has been defying reason. The week following surgery I was able to function pretty well.. I built a bike for Julie (pictures as soon as it’s back from the painter). I cooked thanksgiving dinner for a small army of friends. I made sourdough. Etc. But the last 5 days I have been useless.. I’ve hardly been able to get out of bed. I think I may have been a little cavalier about how fast I could get back to regular life, and I suffered for it. To find out that “regular life” was not, in fact, what was waiting for me right on the other side of recovery didn’t help, I’m sure. I’ve been prescribed two baths a day.. to relax my ass muscles.
I’m not sure how bad the news actually is. On a microscopic level, cancer is not detectable (short of happening to biopsy THAT cell). Even if they hadn’t found any living cancer in the tumor they removed, there would have been no guarantee that I didn’t have cancer elsewhere. Finding the used up, spent remnants of living cancer simply underscores the very realistic need to be VIGILANT going forward. For the next five years or so, I’ll never be more than a month away from my next exam, and if they find ANYTHING, they’ll rush me to surgery. While this isn’t the fairy tale ending that we though we were getting, it isn’t the END of the world.. and in fact has more of the gray shades of reality that make the world the beautiful and uncertain place it is. La la.
All I want to do is work in my shop. I’ve got bikes to build, damnit. The inability lately to do that has honestly been much harder to take than the uncertainty of the prognosis.