First of all:

Ezra 1

Cancer 0

“What’s that? Do I want to “go again.” Um.. no.  Don’t you get it?  that was for all the marbles, and you lost.  I won.  And it wasn’t even very much fun.  I said it before, and I’ll say it again,  You shoulda done some research.  Anyone could have told you.”


Fuck.  What a year.  I am beat down.  Emotionally, physically..  busted.  I’ve got nothing left.  Treatment is over, but apparantly the side effects will linger on.  The nose bleeds will hang on until the avastin is out of my system.  The strange nueropathy in the hands and face will take a while to disapear.  Still, the relief of not having to go back in there for any more chemo makes me weep with relief.

My dad’s death is heavy on my mind.  I’ve started to dream about him nightly.   I’m mostly at peace with it, but very sad.  So the major emotions these last days have been sadness and relief.  While they may seem like strange bedfellows, I think that they go together more often than you’d think.  At least it’s a familiar feeling to me, but wildly exaggerated.

I want to thank you all for your support.  Sincerely.  It’s been a great outlet through this year to be able to write here, and know that there are people reading.  I can’t stress it enough.  There have been some great lessons this year.  The biggest perhaps has been the dose of humilty dealt by realizing just how much good will, and real generosity there is out there.   Thank you.

And now.  Time to pack up.  The whirlwind wedding tour begins.  Off to Miami.

0 Replies to “Ok.”

  1. what strange places we go to sometimes. many, many congratulations on finishing treatment, and the soon-to-be nuptials! take THAT cancer! LOVE prevails!!!!

  2. Ezra, I know I don’t really *know* you, but I have a feeling you’re one of the strongest people I’d ever meet. Reading about your fight with this has really touched me, and made me think about what’s actually important in my own life. …and I don’t think I’m alone on that! Congrats on making it so far (with such grace) and I hope you begin to get some relief! Real, permanent relief! You deserve it. :~)

  3. I have faith that you will find peace in your life. Remember, you’re Ezra and you kicked cancer’s ass. Best wishes and safe travels.

  4. Ezra, I don’t think I could begin to understand the emotions you must be feeling right now, so I’d like to start by congratulating you on beating the cancer into a bloody pulp and being so inspirational while doing it. You rock. Seriously. Secondly, I want to wish you a wonderful time on the wedding tour. Even though you are in the middle of an incredibly tumultuous time remember to stop, take a deep breath, and enjoy the beauty and happiness around you. I’ve been following you for a number of years and can’t wait to see you and H get hitched. I’m going into my second year of marriage and I can tell you this: It’s pure, awesome happiness. I wish that you two have a long, wonderful life together…which I’m sure you will! Good luck and have fun. You did it!!

  5. Congratulations Ezra, you made it through to the end! Eat lots, get your strength back, and have a great wedding!

    Wishing you all the best,


  6. You deserve many good things in life, Ezra. Not because you’ve fought cancer (fuck cancer!) but because you are an exceptional human being. I wish you well as you and your girls embark on this new phase.

  7. You are a hero –
    Thank you for sharing your story with us ~

    Have a great wedding –
    Have a great life – You deserve it

  8. I used to think “balance” met a life where work and play were equal. Then I hit my thirties and life got a whole lot more complicated, and balance took on a whole new meaning. The simple good luck/bad luck equation goes out the window in real life, and we learn to mingle the two, juggle it all; we clutch the sadness and relief, the grief and celebration, the beautiful and the hideous and somehow stand on the edge of it all and keep moving forward and living the life we have. Which, of course, means taking huge breaks to hide under the covers and weep some days, and dancing naked in the rain other days.

    Enjoy your summer of wedding festivities, enjoy the restoration of your body, and be. I am grateful to have been pointed in the direction of your story, and I wish you love and laughter amidst the rest of it. Take care, old puppet friend…

  9. Ezra

    I came to this site from your flickr stream and your beautiful bicycles. It’s been a learning experience.
    !. You create art in everything you do even being sick, sad, etc,
    !! You’re one tough guy and its been a privilege to witness that from a distance, thanks,
    !!! You’re here, now be! Get well, move on; eventually all those necessary conflicting emotions will find their appropriate place, you’ll be even stronger and wiser.

    Thank you, allez my friend.


    You’re amazing. I’m extremely proud of you and so, so relieved you don’t have to get treatment any more (it’s a bitch unlike any other).

    Have an awesome wedding. You deserve many a fantastic thing.

  11. Ezra,

    Congratulations. So glad for you. It’s been amazing to follow your story and genuinely ecstatic for you.

    Best wishes for your upcoming marriage – best to you and your bride to be!


  12. hey Ezra,

    I just wanted to say hi. It seems that for you so much has come to a head recently. some things good, some things not. But in the end it’s all just part of living life on this wacky planet and dealing with all the shit and all the beautiful things it throws at you. The trick is to come out on top, and that’s what you’re doing. Congratulations and best wishes for your wedding. Congratulations on becoming well again. And Oksana and I send our deepest sympathies to you and your family in losing your dad.

    We’re always following your story, and appreciate being allowed a window into your extraordinary life.


  13. Hi Ezra,

    Thank you for sharing your story. It meant a lot to me to read because my cousin (who grew up in VT also) is going through treatment for colon cancer right now. I took comfort in finding that my cousin’s chemo didn’t last as long and appeared to have far fewer side effects than the one you had. As it happens, she’s just come out the other side too. A final surgery revealed that no cancer was apparent anywhere (an amazing outcome considering how late a stage they caught the cancer). Like you, she was young, age 39.

    I didn’t come across your blog via a google search, it was actually a friend who told me to read it. I told my friend about my cousin’s treatment and how that’s been having a big impact on my life (we were really close as kids, and now there’s still a strong bond). As luck would have it, he’s been following your blog, and he said I’d probably find the blog helpful to read. What an amazing point to get to read your blog as you complete your final round of chemo! Thank you Ezra!

    I’m really sorry to hear about your dad. What a sad thing to happen, and strange to have it happen just as you’re about to finish your year of incredible battling with cancer (and cancer treatment).

    I wish you and your partner a great next few months, years and decades!

    Jesse (originally from NH, but now I live in London)

    ps- I love your bikes too!

  14. Mate (from reading your ramblings I feel that you are) I hope you have a summer that lasts for the rest of your life. You certainly deserve it. Thankyou for your writings. They have clearly helped many people and inspired along the way. Hope the nuptuals are joyous and you start getting some bikes out again real soon.
    Regards from Australia

  15. Ezra,
    I’m so happy to hear this. Enjoy the wedding, let’s get together after the honeymoon and discuss my fastboy!

  16. Fuck. Yes.

    I am so happy for you. I can’t even find the words. I don’t know you from Adam. But I am so happy for you. Wow.

    God Bless You, Ezra. God Bless You.

  17. Hi Ezra,
    I’ve been checking your blog on and off since before your diagnosis right up to now and it’s a joy to read that you’ve got to the end of your treatment. I’m sure that writing the blog has offered you no little catharsis, but there has also been a real honesty and generousity of spirit in your writing which it has been a priviledge to follow. Good For You. I love your attitude and indominatable sense of vitality.
    All the kindest wishes for your married life; you’re an inspiration and you deserve life to swing you some better breaks after all this shit.

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