Pretty sick of this shit.


I’m on day three of a treatment cycle.  I go in this morning and get the pump removed, and don’t have to go back for 10 days.  I’m having a hard time believing that this is the pattern I’ll be looking at for the next 5 months.  I’m trying to be tough about it, but it SUCKS.

It goes like this:  I go in on monday morning and get oxaliplatin (this is the stuff that makes my hands go all pins and needles if I touch anything colder than room temperature.. pretty funny the first couple times, then just annoying as hell..  try and cut an onion from the fridge, and your hand goes numb.  Great), then a bag of avastin, then a big syringe full of 5FU, followed by a bag of lukovorin.  The whole thing took 6 hours this time.  Then he sends me home with this pump (more 5FU).  I go back in the next day to get another syringe of 5FU and get topped up with lukovorin.  Sent home again with the pump.  Then on wednesday, today, I get to go back in and have the thing removed, go home and rest.

My pump is faulty.  The folks at the hotline think that the sensor is going.  So every now and then an alarm goes off telling me..  “Oh god!!!  there’s nothing attached to me!!  there’s nothing to pump!” Meanwhile, the bloody thing can tell me exactly how much is left in the reservoir.  I’d love to be able to talk to it..  “ok..  so you’re saying there’s no reservoir attached to you?”   “Correct.  Nothing there.”  “BUT, that it has 54.3 milliliters left in it?”  “You got it.  Precisely.”  “Not 54.2?”  “Oh no..  54.3, on the nose”  “Are you stupid?”  “What do you mean?”  “nevermind…”

The stuff makes me headachey, nauseous, and just plain tired.  Can’t really do anything, but can’t really fall asleep either.  A lot of laying around being uncomfortable.  I’m hoping that the recovery goes quickly this time around..  Hoping that I get a sense of what kind of pattern I’m looking at going forward.  Can I be back in the shop working by friday?  saturday? It’d just be nice to know what I can count on.

On a positive note, the pain from the surgery is finally under control.  I didn’t take any pain killers at all yesterday, and didn’t suffer for it.  What a relief.  Progress!

Also, Putney is doing fine.  She’s a little pissed about the lack of frisbee.. or anything fun really, but she’s being a good sport, and is pretty oblivious to any pain.  Dogs are tough.

And no, I don’t keep my onions in the fridge.  Only if there’s a half left over from the night before.

0 Replies to “Pretty sick of this shit.”

  1. hang tough
    you’re gonna make it.

    A wretched soul, bruised with adversity,
    We bid be quiet when we hear it cry;
    But were we burdened with like weight of pain,
    As much or more we should ourselves complain.
    William Shakespeare

  2. Yeah. Cuz I was really gonna ask about the onions in the fridge.

    May the next 5 months fly by so you can be done with “this shit” and get on to enjoying life with Hill and the Putney. Glad the doggers is doing better.

  3. Someone with better sewing skillz than I possess needs to make you a snazzy pump pouch. Maybe with stars and bunnies on it. Oh, and some mittens.

  4. I don’t blame you for being sick of it. Keep being tough, and on the days you can’t be tough, there are plenty of us to be tough for you. 🙂

    I agree on the snazzy pump pouch idea. haha

  5. aaaaa, there you are. I was wondering where you were.

    5FU… Just keep saving it up, and at the end of it all, you can stick all the FU you saved to cancer’s face.

    kisses & hugs for you, hillary and putney

  6. Hang in there man. I find solitaire, with cards, really helps. Keep it simple, keep it minimal, this too shall pass. Be tough! Thinking of you.

  7. Hang in there, Ezra.
    I don’t know what you’re going through, but you seem to be stronger than you might realize. We’re still thinking about you here in Charleston.

  8. It was said to me when I had my stroke at 28yrs old that God will only give you what you can handle…..he knows your strength. At times he knew I was a superhero to my family and friends watching while I felt like weakling unable to carry myself. I feel for you on the meds thing. I take a fist full everyday since my stroke and have gone through a ton of side effects. Hopefully you can make the best of your recovery time and the side effects will be minimal. You, Hillary, & Putney are in my thoughts and prayers everyday. Keep fighting the good fight.

  9. For the record, it’s good to put the onion in the fridge a couple of hours before you dice it so you won’t go quite so eyewatery while cutting it up. Just don’t store them all in the fridge all the time, ‘K?

    Hang in there Ezra—even bums like me are wishing you the best…

  10. man, i can’t believe you can deal with onions. my husband (the chef) cooks when he gets nervous or upset. after my first chemo my sick reaction made him pretty upset so he took the remainder of the summer stock tomatos and made gravy – with onions and garlic. the nausea from the chemo turned up my ability to smell to 11. although his tomato sauce is brilliant, the scent was like a smack in the face. i couldn’t even go downstairs for a week until the smell had disipated. horror, i couldn’t even enjoy his cooking, which is one of the small joys of my life. anything with a strong scent or taste i had to avoid. all i could eat was bland rice, bland popsickles, bland being the optimum description. you shoud celebrate that you can cut and eat onions. small victories at this time.

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