regretably

The short version is that I have cancer again.

Two weeks ago I had a regularly scheduled colonoscopy.  They found a lesion very near the site of my original tumor and surgery.  As a precaution, the doctor took a biopsy.  I got the results finally yesterday, and they found viable cancer cells.

I met with my surgeon yesterday afternoon.  He has maintained all along that the route we took was a risky one.  The gold standard in a case like mine is complete resection..  to speak plainly, ass amputation.  We had gone the route that we did to try and preserve my continence.

Most immediately, the course of action will be to take more thorough biopsies in order to determine what sort of margins will be necessary.  That procedure is scheduled for Monday.

I don’t know yet what the full ark of the treatment will look like.  I don’t know how soon surgery will be or whether or not it will be followed by chemotherapy.  This is all pretty fast breaking.  I should know more by the end of the day.

The good news is that this gives me something concrete to write about!  For the last nine months or so, I have been dealing with an increasing level of discomfort/pain that seemed to be connected to the treatment of the original cancer, whether that was chemo-radiation, or the surgery itself.  I had not found a way to share that part of the story here on the blog.  It was hard to see a way to discuss unexplained aches and pains and the accompanying listlessness/depression without sounding pretty ungrateful to simply be alive! It has always been my intention on this blog to be as honest and forthright about my situation as I can be, and yet describing the last year has been difficult.  On some level, surviving cancer has been as difficult as treating it, but in a way that is much less concrete and as such, much harder to describe.

I will post updates as they come.

0 Replies to “regretably”

  1. Horrible news. Know that the friends you had standing by your side both literally and here on the net will be there again for you.

  2. Really sorry to hear the news, Ezra. I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be. I wish you the best of luck going forward; your attitude has always been inspirational.

    Eoin.

  3. Oh, Ezra, I’m SO sorry that you’re being faced with this again. It really just ain’t right. My thoughts are with you, hoping the news gets better. Just take heart in knowing you’re tough and you have a HUGE support network. We’re all pulling for you.

  4. Oh, Ezra. You are always in my family’s prayers and we’ll now re-double our efforts. You are simply an amazing person – so articulate in the face of adversity.

    j, r, s & z

  5. I don’t know what else to say except for I’m sorry this is happening to you again. But again, you’ll beat this thing with dignity and style and I’m sure with a legion of anonymous internet supporters who’ve got your back.

  6. You can Hill can get through anything…YOU ARE STRONG! I’m not a “believer” but I will be sending my thoughts, hopes, and good vibes your way…

    Good luck Ezra.

    -Kris

  7. fuckshitfuckingshitfuck. make it fucking cry, E. make it weep so hard it wished it had gone up someone else’s ass.

    love you big and strong. megabig energy coming your way, dood.

  8. I’m with Kirsten on this one. You’ve beat it once before. You can beat it again. And with your solid support system, outrageously positive outlook, and a great team of medical experts, this sounds like a fight you will win. I’m setting out into the universe the most focused intention I can for you to have a strong and ruthless fight against this thing. Go Ezra go!

  9. This is heartbreaking.
    But, you really don’t have a choice.
    You must, and will, fight and win.
    You have many, many supporters out here who are sending whatever positive Ki your way.

  10. Hey Ezra,
    I know we haven’t talked in a year or so, but you’re in my thoughts.
    I’m sure you’ll be able to get through this. Not a lot of people would have made it this far even, so I have no doubt you are strong enough.
    Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading the entry on how you kicked the shit out of cancer a second time.
    Lyle

  11. We only met once but I was so taken with you, your website, your photography, your beautifully crafted bikes, your writing about your cancer. I’m very sad to hear your news and I know this is scary stuff. Stay strong. Thinking of you.
    Gail

  12. No one attained greatness without facing adversity. I sincerely hope we can look back on this next year, perhaps as we both make a pathetic attempt at a cyclocross race or something. And you’ll be able to declare that I am the biggest pain in your ass.

    Anyone who knows you and your brain would agree; even with this, you will figure something out.

    Thinking of you and sincerely wishing you the best.

    Your friend,

    Chase
    Proud owner of a Fast Boy bicycle

  13. We don’t know each other, but I have followed your blog for the past year. Funny thing- I can’t remember what led me to your blog. Your amazingly beautiful bikes, I assume.

    Sometimes life sucks, and bad things happen, I don’t know why. I haven’t had your struggles, but my infant son died 11 years ago, so I do know a bit about suffering. I do pray, and for what it’s worth, will pray for you and your recovery.

  14. Surviving traumatic experiences is not an easy task… When the event passes, people assume you go back to your old life, but it’s not the case. The kind of effort you put in to get yourself in tune again is a process almost impossible to explain to anybody.

    I hate hearing this news but I also know how a strong being you are, with Hill right next to you, I know you can survive this again. Stay positive. Chris and I are here for you for anything you would ever need from us. We love you.

  15. Oh no! That’s nasty and depressing and completely unfair. I know you have a great attitude and a tremendous wife and a ridiculous dog and as much support as a person could have– but if you need anything at all, shout.

  16. A mutual friend asked me to send good thoughts your way. I would like to say that I’m proud of you for reaching out and teaching us that it’s okay to share things that aren’t all warm and fuzzy. You seem like a great person and there is a lot of love and support that surrounds you and you won’t go though this adventure alone. May the Creator send you grace, peace, wisdom, and understanding. May your friends send you love and laughter. I’ll send you prayer and {{{{hugs}}}}!

  17. Fuck. That was the word I said to myself when I saw the title of your post on my Google feed. I knew what the rest would say. It just sucks. It sucks nasty, cancerous ass, that’s what it does. All the best – don’t hesitate to share all the shit here as well as the good stuff.

  18. Oh Man Ezra!!! Im cryin as I type this. You are so courageous and strong, and to be right out in the open with this news is so admirable. Your generosity with your life and your talents will again bring you soo much love and support, but in the end it is your battle, and I wish you all the strength and light of healing to get through this ordeal again! shit. Again. fuck. again. Im so fuckin sorry to hear this news. you will get through it! and we’ll be here in your background, cheering you on.

  19. Man! Sorry to hear about the reoccurence. This is what my friends family is going through and I’ve been seeing how its affecting him… You’ve made it once and you can preservere through this.. I have this feelin’ you have an iron well and an even stronger heart!
    Much love to you and peace,

    tad

  20. Ezra:

    There’s been a lot of this orbiting my world lately, mate; enough that it’s worn me transparent and this update of yours brought tears to my eyes notwithstanding the fact the closest you and I have come is having our hands on the same fenders – from you to me and a continent apart. Frequency or commonality (fucking hell how can that be rightly possible for people our age?) does nothing though to dull the wrongness of this news and the compassion that Aviva (my wife) and I are sending your way.

    A dear friend, while fighting her own battle, had this famous Marianne Williamson passage with her at all times. Like my friend, Ezra, you too are powerful beyond measure – over the years you’ve connected with, and in the process inspired and liberated, hundreds, thousands of others. Keep letting that light shine, mate, keep it burning hot, let it rage. And make this fucker cry itself into submission, again.

    /r

    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

  21. Well, dang!
    I bet this news is even scarier/more frustrating than it was the first go-round, but please don’t give up hope.

    I’m reading a great book right now: “The Survivors Club” by Ben Sherwood. It’s about all kinds of situations that people have been put through (many of them rare, freakish accidents) where amazingly, these strong-willed people didn’t give up & survived the odds against them. It’s rather inspiring to learn just what kind of strength a person can find within themselves :~)

    It seems there are a great many people here who are really pulling for you! I’m sending out a little prayer for you…. I hope you find courage & comfort, friend.
    ~Paula P.

  22. This photo was on explore, that is how I end up in your Flickr stream and here afterwards.
    I can not understand how hard your situation can be, but I admire you reaction to the problem.

    I wish you strength.

  23. Oh, Ezra. I’m so sorry to hear about this. Sending light, love and good wishes your way. I’ve been inspired by your story and loved seeing your beautiful photographs on flickr. Thank you for the ray of light that you are. Here’s affirming your healing and peace of mind, and so it is.

  24. Ezra,

    Even though I’ve only met you once, your kindness and spirit has since resonated with me. Whenever my friends ask about my fenders, I enthusiastically tell them about your warmth and amazing space in Harlem. My thoughts and prayers are with you bike friend.

    Anita

  25. I don’t know you, Ezra, and each person must make the choices they need to make for themselves, but I offer the following for your consideration.

    Life is dear.

    My wife had breast cancer, and there were choices to be made. It was very dire. Time was critical. Had she made different choices, things might be different now. I’m glad that we- she and I – made the decisions we made. Together with the advice of those people most expert on the subject, we plotted a course, and despite some bumps in the road, we executed the plan as close as possible.

    Cancer is not to be messed with. Life with some “grief” is better than death.

    My wife lives today without breasts, without a thyroid, and without some other internals that she once had. She takes a lot of meds. But, 7 years on since her chemo, double mastectomy, and radiation treatments, she lives. Happily.

    You mentioned the “gold standard.” Regardless of the downside, Ezra, from a person who has and continues to support a cancer survivor, go for the gold standard. To re-iterate, cancer is not to be messed with. Life with some “grief” is better than the alternative.

  26. Dear Ezra I am so sorry to hear this and I wish you all the strength and love you need to beat this cancer once and for all! I am thinking about you, Hillary and Putney! Lots and lots of Love and hugs from Sabina in Sweden

  27. if my english would be better, I`ll write more. but that doesn’t reduce the power or force, that I send you from Hamburg, Germany. All the best.

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