Only barely, though. Alberto refers to these weeks of chemo as weeks of passion. He’s not wrong.
I want to start by thanking you all for your generosity. I am humbled. You’ve donated over $2k in just a day. This pays for the assless bike. It pays for a month of medical costs. Think of it how you will. It gives us peace of mind. I am, we are, very grateful.
There’s been a lot of talk about toughness. I’ll be honest, I don’t feel terribly tough. I have a supportive family, an army of friends and strangers at my back, an astonishing girlfriend, a world class doctor, a snuggly dog, a comfortable home etc.. and yet, just one week of treatment has brought me to my knees.
It may be very important to talk about this in fighting terms. Fuck cancer. Kicking its ass etc.. It has certainly helped my level of confidence to hear all this. Naturally the truth of it is more nuanced. At some point it becomes a little satirical to speak of kicking the shit out of cancer.. like the black night.. “you yellow bastards! come back and take what’s coming to you! I’ll bight your legs off!!” (with my face in the toilet).
If it is a fight, it’s more like cool hand luke’s fight. I just re-watched this scene and cried. This feels familiar.
I may be talking about teaching cancer to cry, but it’s teaching me some lessons of its own. I’ve been unable to work these last weeks, except for fleeting moments. I’ve been unable to cook for Hillary. I’ve been disallowed to ride a bike. I’ve been tired, and nauseous, and weak. My mind has become cabbage. I have been forced to accept help, from anyone and everyone. None of this is ME. I’m strong, dammit! And helpful! And capable! And clear headed!
And humbled on my knees.
I can’t help but think of all the people who are diagnosed who don’t have the support. Who don’t happen to have an oncologist around who’s known them their whole life. Who don’t have health insurance! Who don’t have a nice home and a nice dog and nice girlfriend and family. Who don’t have an ARMY at their back. I think of the folks who, despite a great attitude, don’t make it because they don’t have all this. MY thoughts are with them.
Thank you all.