Still here.

Only barely, though.  Alberto refers to these weeks of chemo as weeks of passion.  He’s not wrong.

I want to start by thanking you all for your generosity.  I am humbled.  You’ve donated over $2k in just a day.  This pays for the assless bike.  It pays for a month of medical costs.  Think of it how you will.  It gives us peace of mind.  I am, we are, very grateful.

There’s been a lot of talk about toughness.  I’ll be honest, I don’t feel terribly tough.  I have a supportive family, an army of friends and strangers at my back, an astonishing girlfriend, a world class doctor, a snuggly dog, a comfortable home etc..  and yet, just one week of treatment has brought me to my knees.

It may be very important to talk about this in fighting terms.  Fuck cancer. Kicking its ass etc..  It has certainly helped my level of confidence to hear all this.  Naturally the truth of it is more nuanced.  At some point it becomes a little satirical to speak of kicking the shit out of cancer..  like the black night.. “you yellow bastards!  come back and take what’s coming to you!  I’ll bight your legs off!!”  (with my face in the toilet).

If it is a fight, it’s more like cool hand luke’s fight.  I just re-watched this scene and cried.  This feels familiar.

I may be talking about teaching cancer to cry, but it’s teaching me some lessons of its own.  I’ve been unable to work these last weeks, except for fleeting moments.  I’ve been unable to cook for Hillary.  I’ve been disallowed to ride a bike.  I’ve been tired, and nauseous, and weak.  My mind has become cabbage.  I have been forced to accept help, from anyone and everyone. None of this is ME.  I’m strong, dammit!  And helpful! And capable! And clear headed!

And humbled on my knees.

I can’t help but think of all the people who are diagnosed who don’t have the support.  Who don’t happen to have an oncologist around who’s known them their whole life.  Who don’t have health insurance!  Who don’t have a nice home and a nice dog and nice girlfriend and family.  Who don’t have an ARMY at their back.  I think of the folks who, despite a great attitude, don’t make it because they don’t have all this.  MY thoughts are with them.

Thank you all.

0 Replies to “Still here.”

  1. “Vasbyt” Ezra ( your mom will translate )

    We’re rooting for you every moment of the day over here in England…

    BIG LOVE,
    Laura et al. xx

  2. Just wanted to say, I admire your tenacity !!

    You will be back on your bike before you know it…. Remember Lance went on to win many Tours after fighting cancer..

  3. Hey, Ez. I’m sorry things are sounding pretty rough right about now. 1 week down, though! That’s great! I am sending healing vibes right now….

  4. i love you, you emotionally evolved, stunningly beautiful, unimaginably unselfish, dance-on-the-floors-and-jump-on-the-bed, take-naked-photos-of-the-girl-you-love, get-knocked-down-then-get-up-again, chemo-port-in-your-heart, cabbage brained, caffeine dependent, buttless bike ridin’, putneygirl lovin’, tumor-in-your-bung-hole, colostomy bag havin’ stranger.

    sounds like it’s time to sleep in with your ladies for a change. you’re ALLOWED to be weak!

  5. Here you are all layed out from massive chemo poisoning, radiation sickness, and a nasty little ball of cancer in your ass. What are you thinking about? Other people.

    No wonder everyone loves you! I don’t even know you and I say to myself this is one cool dude. Selfless and confident. Not being able to work and do the things you love must be killing you inside; far more than that little bastard in your arse.

    Watch more Monty Python. Laufter is good for the soul. I was always fond of Ben Stillers line, “nobody makes me bleed my own blood!”

  6. My family and I are proud to be part of the army of people you don’t actually know who have your back. And each day, as you face the difficulties and frustrations with such selflessness we are even more proud to have your back.

    You are a man of grace.

    -j, r, s & z

  7. I’m so impressed by you and what you’re doing. I am happy that you have an loving and supportive army and such a good outlook for this awful ordeal. I want to be part of that army. I will be thinking of you and sending all my positive energies your way. Anyone who invokes Monty Python has to be a worthy person!

  8. Marlene put it well.

    Despite how horrible the world today may be (for some of us) – despite having MORONS who run this country – despite the fact oil costs more than just about everything – despite all that I personally witness that i want to change – you restore my faith in human beings.

    And squeeze that astonishing girlfriend for me. She’s so amazing and important right about now. Love to you both.

    -j

  9. For all this emphasis on being strong or weak I think its important to consider that being strong is not being unaffected, it doesn’t mean you dominate the whole time with a smile and never accept help. you aren’t amazing because you don’t feel pain or humility but because you do. you can and you can make it through, with help, with struggle and frustration, and in spite of it. you are an inspiration even when you feel least like one.

  10. You may not know me, but through Flickr, and the post of ScoutJ, you have brought me here…sending you positive energy and vibes, “blog support” and prayers, and I will continue to hope for good things. Cancer sucks…friends, love, and amazing attitudes such as yours kick ass. Be blessed and know your army at your back gained the power of one more today

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