Sunday

I don’t mind admitting to you all that I’m afraid.

At lunch the other day I asked my doctor what we’d be looking at IF chemo was necessary.

“just like before, but without the avastin”

“6 months!!!??”

“Yes”

My heart broke.

The criteria are pretty simple.  They will remove TONS of lymph nodes while they’re taking out the bottom end of my colon.  If they find ANY involvement in the lymph nodes, I will have to do Chemo.  My surgeon said he though it was about a 50/50 chance.

I’m a reasonably tough guy, and I feel as though I’ve been a pretty good sport through all of this, but I don’t like those odds, and the idea of 6 months of that shit..  AGAIN..  puts me in a mild state of panic.  In the context of more chemotherapy, the surgery feels like a walk in the park.

If it IS necessary, I’ll get 4-6 weeks to recover from the surgery, and get used to shitting in a bag and then I’ll get another port, and off we’ll go.  It’s hard for me to find a nice light to shine on it.

I guess we’ll know in a few days.  It feels pretty crazy to be going into this surgery feeling more anxious about the news I’ll get when I wake up than I am about the radical changes they’re going to make to my body.  It’s a crazy world.

0 Replies to “Sunday”

  1. Good luck Ezra. Godspeed. Lean on those you love. Those who love you are legion. We’re praying for you. Ask your doc to connect you with those who’ve been through it.

  2. Oh Ezzie, I feel for you so much. That is what this evil enemy is all about…throwing you constant “wait and sees.” Only hope that having Hill and the deeply committed support around you can make all this shit an iota easier to handle.

  3. best i can offer is you’re not alone as you pass through the belly of this beast. not quite. what does not destroy you just makes you feel really awful for a while, right?

  4. I’m so sorry to hear about that news. Chemo is a terrible thing (watching my mom go through it broke my heart.) You’ll be in my thoughts.

  5. Hey Ezra,

    I’m a stranger from Europe who (somehow) reads your blog. I’m so sorry your disease has come back and you are in the medical whirlpool again. I hope your nodes will come out cancer-free and if not, I wish you and your loved ones all the strength you need to go through chemo again.
    You’ll be in my thoughts.

  6. aw man. my heart breaks too. the only thing i can say is that you’ve been through this before, and i can only hope that this makes the second experience a little easier. lots of hugs.

  7. I can only imagine how scared you must feel facing this. And how sick you must feeling knowing you may have to face chemo again. That has to just kick the energy right out of you. The will to live is strong and we’ll do what we can to feed that will. One thing at a time and lean on us all.

  8. Really sorry to hear this Ez – I really can’t imagine what it must be like but it sure puts things into perspective over here. Sending you love and strength and hoping you aren’t headed into chemo again….

  9. It is very difficult to find the light you want, because it’s all really crazy, but I’m sure everything will go well, we are all thinking of you, you’re really a tough guy scared by the changes that will come, but life is change daily. I send my best thoughts, I am remembering you every little, my friends know your situation, this has to have a sense!, Together we can make the road easier, think positively, please, that’s really important . And being afraid is a very brave choice!. A lot of hugs.

  10. Ezra: I was so sorry to read about the recurrence and everything you have to go through to get yourself better. My thoughts are with you! I am so glad you have a loving wife to help you through this. Big hugs!

  11. Hi Ezra,
    Today I’m putting the finishing patina on a frame that I built with a heavy dose of Fastboy inspiration- that sounds so much better than “ripped of from”, doesn’t it? Just wanted you to know you’ve been in our thoughts and prayers a lot this past week, Here’s to no Chemo.
    Stay strong dude,
    Chauncey

  12. Hi Ezra,
    Today I’m putting the finishing patina on a frame that I built with a heavy dose of Fastboy inspiration- that sounds so much better than “ripped of from”, doesn’t it? Just wanted you to know you’ve been in our thoughts and prayers a lot this past week, Here’s to no Chemo..
    Stay strong dude,
    Chauncey

  13. One step at time Big Man! The future holds great things for you. As ya know any kind of surgery is scary. Fear is a healthy part of life. Very few like it, but it helps us understand Love and Peace. Know that however great the fear, it is dwarfed by the Love and Peace that is in and surrounds you. A never ending stream. See it in the faces that care for you. Hear it in the written/spoken words to you/about you. Feel it in the space that is you. I presently see the vibrant life that is you.
    Break a leg tomorrow! It’s all you baby.

  14. lots of love from your MA cousins, Ez. i’m thinking of you daily….you will get through your hospital stay–even many days still do go by. time to adjust and to sleep extra. the catheter will be ok–annoying but ok. in no time (in retrospect: drug-induced haze time goes by faster than real time!) you will be taking steps toward the new future and whatever is in it! you will get there. love.

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