this week

Writing mostly because I’m feeling the need to update. After a promising start, this week ended up being pretty tough. Monday night’s experience with the addition of Motrin horse pills, and what felt like successful management of the pain, left me feeling pretty optimistic about the week.  So optimistic that Wednesday I went straight from being unplugged to the pool hall to play a truncated afternoon with Jeremiah.  I went prepared.  I took pain meds with me.  Around the middle of the afternoon I felt the pain setting in, and nipped it in the bud with meds.  Played very well for the rest of the afternoon, and went home feeling pretty tired.  Made Hill some beautiful shrimp green curry, and got ready for an early night.  Went to bed exhausted and then managed to go the whole night without sleeping at all.  Around midnight, pain set in like it had something to prove, and I couldn’t really get on top of it.  I wrote some emails and watched the clock until it said 6:00 and I felt I could get up and make myself some coffee.

Poor hill was so distracted by my restlessness that SHE couldn’t sleep, and ended up moving to the guest room.

Rather than give you the blow by blow of the rest of the week, I’ll sum up by saying that the pain is under slightly more control with the addition of Motrin, but that I ended up spending as many days in bed with Putney as I did last round and have finished the week feeling just as much like an emptied out shell.

My nose is in pretty serious trouble.  I can’t blow it without triggering a nose bleed.  I have a feeling that the erbitux is really wreaking havoc.  Yesterday I could feel its side effects flaring up (strange, when I recieved the dose all the way back on tuesday!) and this morning I woke up with a mouth full of sores.  Boooooring.  (there’s some solace in knowing that any little cancer cells that are floating around my body are probably suffering from some pretty bad insomnia and mouth sores too..   screw ’em!)

I hate this pattern of bringing you ever more pitiful news.  I sometimes hesitate to write at all, and yet the point is to document this bloody process.

Meanwhile, strangely, I find that I am ever more aware of just how much I love my life.  My mind is going at warp speed with ideas..  I’m excited about getting back to building bikes, but also about lots of other things. I love making these food videos!  I’ve got some music video work coming up that’s awfully exciting.  There are things that I want to write, pieces of hardware that I want to design. Places I want to go..  and yet I’m falling asleep writing this entry.  I’m beat.  I’m tired.  I hurt.  It is unbelievably frustrating.

Tonight I will make fish cakes.

0 Replies to “this week”

  1. Try to stay out of that rabbit hole. You look like shit, You feel like shit, but damn it man, Stay out of that fucking rabbit hole.It’s dark and cold down in that place.

  2. Burnt Umber is right. Don’t go down the rabbit hole if you can avoid it. You’re on the downhill side now. The end of all this shit is in sight. Your mind is just getting there a little sooner. I, for one, look forward to the fruition of all these ideas of yours. Hang in there, brother. Just keep moving forward.

  3. Dont hesitate to write. Tell us, our minds and thoughts are on you. We want to know how youre doing, just to know when to send you even more positive thoughts.

  4. Never feel like your news is “pitiful”. It is not. This is, like you said, a documentation of the process. We are lucky that you let us peek into your life and gain some insight into what you are going through…and what people in our own lives are going through. I check your blog daily in hopes of a new post. Your words are raw and real. I admire that.
    I hope you are able to get the pain under control. Keep kicking ass!

  5. Hang in there Ezra. Keep typing.

    I’ve been so inspired by your story and your work is incredible. It’s beautiful seeing you apply the same brilliant eye to the creation of bikes, photos, food…

    At the very least, your experiences have a cross-processing effect on my own life; changing the colours, heightening their vividness, dding contrast, bringing certain elements to the fore and hiding the less important stuff in the background.

    We’re thinking of you from the other side of the world.

  6. You look like you’ve been in a fight in this pic. Maybe because you have? Yes, it’s incredibly frustrating to deal with this pain and blood and mouth sores (start washing that mouth out with warm salt water!), but these too shall pass. Feed on those things you want to do. Let the thoughts of what you will be able to do in the future sustain you through these shitty days. These days are just a handful of terribly trying times in the larger picture called the rest of your life. There is so much joy to come– let the anticipation of that joy carry you over this roughness.

    You’re in my thoughts.

  7. Your love for life is what has had me coming back since the first time I happened on your stream. You let us all get present to our love for our lives as well. Keep blogging.

  8. Keep going Ezra, you can do it. Fight with all you got!

    I too check your blog everyday for a new post…please keep writing when you can. My father had cancer when I was too young to understand what he went through. This gives me a glimpse into his world.

    <3 Kris

  9. I have not stopped to read the other comments yet. Just raced straight here to say that I am thankful that you don’t shy away from having to share news that isn’t “the best”, that you post pictures that say “it may be pretty raw right now, but I’m still staring down the camera, still living this gorgeous life” and that in itself is beautiful.
    Please, keep sharing as much, or as little, as you want. Your documentation is so incredible, your photos and your videos (o my god, the food vids!!) more than counterbalance anything you feel might be too weighty.
    It’s life..it’s all part of it. While you might feel overwhelmed and tired and antsy to get started “now”, the moments are transitory. I have full faith that one day you’ll wake up and find that you can’t quite pinpoint how, or when, you’ve finally gained your wished-for momentum!
    Be it slow, or fast, keep peddling! We’re all on the journey with you.

  10. Thank you for continuing to update and post even when the week has been one from hell. There will be an end to this. You won’t always feel this sick, beat up or bloodied. There are so many people waiting for your next video, your next photo, your next post. We’re all here too, sticking around to see and hear from you – now and when the bleeding stops, when your skin clears up, when you are well rested and able to work on your creative ideas. Those days are coming.

  11. You know, when you send out these “pitiful” bits – which are not, really – we send them back to you wrapped in lurv. It’s got to be worth something!!!!! keep it up. Your life is well worth it.

  12. Hello you.

    I’m in a fairly crap place myself right now. It’s nothing like as crap as your place, I have no mortal fear, no physical pain, I’m in a different pit altogether. What I do tell myself though is that this is the hard part. Once I get through this bit it gets better and even through the crap part I’m still loved, still supported and still considered to be a worthwhile person by the people whose opinion I give a shit about.

    This is so SO the crap part right now, You don’t need me to tell you that. We’re all behind you now and when you crawl out of that pit *again* there’ll be a cheer around the globe from everyone who’s been watching and reading. KIck cancer’s arse. Keep doing what you’re doing. And hugs to you and everyone around you.

  13. Sometimes I struggle to say anything to you without feeling like I’m sounding flippant or that I might say the wrong thing. Basically, I want to say you’re doing amazingly and your life is so worth fighting for, so many people are cheering you on. x

  14. love you, and we’re in your corner. thanks for sharing with us, you’re a beautiful fighter. we send best to Hilary too. its hard.

  15. you say all this with such grit and honesty and i’m glad you do even though its hard to read and comprehend. i look forward to your ideas being realized. keep fighting this shit. you and hillary and putney are a force together. the fantastic 3 or something. keep making dinners! ka-pow. xo

  16. You are so strong going through all that stuff. I was lacking the joy of living and reading what you wrote here made me feel like fighting to get better no matter what we’re going through. Thank you.

  17. i look forward to your updates. i find myself thinking about how real it is and i appreciate that reality. it is all inspiring. i look up to you now – as human. the best part of what’s human.

    thank you.

  18. I sure hope you can get some serious sleep! That can be really hard on any body, and wears on the mind pretty darn quick. So my wish for you at this moment is that you start sleeping very sound, dreaming about sunny days with great music and great food, and hugging those beautiful girls of yours! Sleep tight!

  19. Ezra, thank you for continuing to share. Wish I could kick the pain’s ass for you. You are making it through this thing. I can’t wait to see many of your awesome ideas come to fruition. There’s a kind of cool side to this in that you have the space to dream and think out posibilities. I don’t stop enough to do that. Even so, fuck cancer.

  20. This made my day:

    “Meanwhile, strangely, I find that I am ever more aware of just how much I love my life. My mind is going at warp speed with ideas . . . .”

    I stumbled upon your site a few years ago just because I love bikes. I’ve learned a hell of a lot more than I ever bargained for. Thanks for that. Keep up the fight.

  21. ez,

    you are amazing. just so you know, i’m still reading, still keeping an eye on you, still pulling for you. made some calamari a la ezra the other night.

    you rock. keep up your positive spirit…you are an inspiration!

  22. i’m always thankful to discover an update from you, good or bad, knowing that your spirit still drives you to communicate with us is always reassuring.
    we love you.
    XX

  23. Hi,
    another big hug from a portuguese heart but his one living in Portugal!!!
    You are a really really fighter!!!

    Best regards!
    Álvaro

  24. thank you for fighting for yourself, and your wife and your pup. and selfishly thank you for fighting for all of us. i feel like we all believe the world would be a bit darker without you, with a bit less luster and shine. that it would be something, perhaps something we’d be less likely to live through ourselves…where we’d skip the fights that we know we shouldn’t. you are a banner, a flag and a stoic example of good things. thank you.

  25. Hi Ezra. I don’t know you, but I read this blog every day because you give such an honest account of your journey. Love your spirit, even when you’re down. Keep on cooking, building bikes and finding the positives in life.

  26. I know I’m not alone in saying I wait for any news from you. Always hoping for good news and updates but prepared for posts like this that hurt my heart. I’m sorry it’s so hard right now… I can’t wait for the whirlwind that comes when your healed body can keep up with your mind and all those fabulous ideas.

    You are loved, Ez… be well.

  27. Jeez Ez, I don’t even know what to say. I have been overwhelmed with appreciation for my life and how much I love it the last few months and this is a reminder just how precious it is. Thinking of you. Love, cousin Gillian