tomorrow is the day

After getting the port in on wednesday, I was looking forward to four days off with no appointments of any sort.  It has gone by pretty quickly, and I’m feeling as though I REALLY haven’t taken advantage of the time.  I went out to the shop for a while yesterday, with the best intentions, and ended up just staring blankly at tools.  I’m almost relieved to be starting the chemo tomorrow, just so that I can stop ANTICIPATING it.  It’s my hope that when I start, I can just get into the rhythm of doing the stuff.  Of getting it done.  That I’ll get familiar again with just what I’m dealing with, and I’ll be able to roll with it.  The last few weeks have just been full of a sort of crippling dread of what’s to come.  Once it HAS come, maybe I won’t dread it any more.  That’s what I’m hoping.

I remember from last time that getting unplugged on day 3 was like the last day of school.  You wake up and know that you only have to make it through that day and then it’s summer vacation.  So here’s to wednesday.  Looking forward to wednesday.

33 Replies to “tomorrow is the day”

  1. I have a senses even if small of what you are talking about, the anticipation being worse, I anticipated my dialysis experience to a level of fear and denial that was just nuts, once I started dialysis it was like you say a rhythm.

    good luck with your rhythm with it

  2. Best wishes from Putney. We are thinking of you and working on a time warp to get you to Wednesday a little bit faster! Hopefully experience will help you get through this a little more easily this time. All our love. Cathy, Todd, Audrey and Nash.

  3. Ezra, good luck to you, and thank you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts & fears with all of us……. I know it’ll help you get through this and maybe it helps us, too.
    My mother went through years and years of breast cancer (and too many battles with chemotherapy) and she never told me anything like this, and part of me wishes she had. I’m sure she was doing her best to be strong because she had to… but I think a person can only be so strong on their own.
    I know you don’t know a lot of the people who follow you on this blog, but we’re all pulling for you. …and you’re going to finish this chemo thing, and it’s going to be very difficult, but then it’ll be done. I know it. :~)
    Good luck & thank you. ~P-squared.

  4. I want to tell you good luck but it sounds so trite. How about stay strong!? Don’t let it get you! Fuck cancer, you’re Ezra!

  5. Occasionally, I buy a bag of chocolate. Invariably, I eat too much in one sitting and I hate myself. I find myself eating the rest of the bag just so I won’t have to deal with the temptation tomorrow. I’m not saying my chocolate habit has anything to do with what you’re going through, but it’s human nature to want to confront life’s unpleasantries just to get them over with. I only wish you were worried about your waistline like me.

    When I think of you I smile. Good luck.