This morning my father, William Samual (billsam) Caldwell, killed himself in his bedroom.
I’m not sure what to say. I have debated during the course of the day about whether or not to share this here. In the end, it seemed in the spirit of the blog to talk about it.
He suffered from depression. He was unable, or unwilling, to get help for it. Unfortunately depression, while treatable, isn’t something that you can cure by holding someone down and giving them a shot. We would naturally have done so! In the end, taking his own life was HIS only solution.
In the darkest moments of this last year, I have never once contemplated suicide.. I can only imagine how one must be suffering to actually take their own life.
This afternoon I went into the shop to do a little work and clean the place up. I start a round of chemo tomorrow, and as soon as it is done, I’ll be headed up to Vermont to pick up the pieces. That will occupy the rest of my NON-chemo time before the whirlwind wedding tour begins. Hard to imagine that today had to be my last for such a while in the shop. My father wasn’t much of a dad. He wasn’t a natural. He sort of sucked at it. I DID, however, cut my teeth as a fabricator in his wood shop as a small kid. It felt right to spend some time in my own shop remembering him. I played the Dire Straits.. a favorite of his.. and spent some time thinking of the old man. Rest in peace, billsam.